The progress of Kizzie

It's abundantly clear that my blog has been dominated lately by thoughts and outpourings on my mother's brain tumour.  This is frankly not lighthearted, entertaining stuff.  Although reading some of it back, even I can see a bit of a journey in progress.  It's been a strange few months - really has been a whirlwind, wherein I feel almost to be have been standing still in the centre (not inactive - I've been incredibly productive, counter to the flow) but time has moved on without me consciously realising it.  I mean, it's June, for frak's sake.

So where am I at the moment?

Fragile, of course.  If I like to feel I'm balanced on a nice flat plateau of stability, right now I'm en pointe on the top of a windy tor, but nonetheless - hoping I'm not jinxing myself - I'm relatively balanced.  I know I have a lot of 'stuff' going on in my head - some of it scares me, I'm not totally sure if I like the me that's in there, or even if I'm scared that I do like her but know I shouldn't.  But, I'm also rationalising, breathing, keeping it real - reflective. 

I will be.

Not I will be okay, I will be fine, whatever... just, I will be.  And that's ok.

In time, maybe the collection of the journey through pain I'm undergoing might be of use / help to someone facing a similar battle.  Even if not, it helps me to be able to get it out in my favourite format, written form.

She sleeps so much now.  It's sad, because I'd like to talk to her more, but to be honest, the things I'd want to talk about might not be things she'd want to talk about.  She's not really, totally there anyway, as I've explained before.  There's a fraction of my Mum in there somewhere, enough to usually say she loves me if I say I love her, enough that she has not, yet at least, wondered particularly who I am or felt uneasy as if I'm a stranger.  She's been very relaxed with most strangers actually, the constant stream of carers, doctors, nurses, Macmillan care...yes, she knows a lot of them through her work, but even so, many are unknown.

We haven't always had a perfect relationship - we've fought, we've bickered - but 99% of the time, Mum's been my friend as well as my Mum.  She supports me, even when the decisions I make might be ones you'd expect disapproval of.

The key thing she did was she told me that she didn't mind what I did in life, so long as I was happy.  I respect and appreciate that. 

I'm going to miss her incredibly, forever, and always.  But I have so much of her in my heart, in my spirit.  So I comfort myself in thinking that though I'll lose the chance to speak directly (well, I've already lost that) I know I have the sense of her in my soul. 

I'll try to talk about something else on here in the future.  But this is important stuff, to me.