Gone

She is gone...and the outbreath is what hurts.  I've been holding my breath these past three months, now it hurts too much to breathe out.

Her pain is over, thank all that can be thanked. 

I went to see her in the chapel of rest.  Rather wish I hadn't.  The face reverts to a babylike state.

Thhis really hurts and I daren't let it burst out ... I don't want to break...

I miss you, Mum.

The progress of Kizzie

It's abundantly clear that my blog has been dominated lately by thoughts and outpourings on my mother's brain tumour.  This is frankly not lighthearted, entertaining stuff.  Although reading some of it back, even I can see a bit of a journey in progress.  It's been a strange few months - really has been a whirlwind, wherein I feel almost to be have been standing still in the centre (not inactive - I've been incredibly productive, counter to the flow) but time has moved on without me consciously realising it.  I mean, it's June, for frak's sake.

So where am I at the moment?

Fragile, of course.  If I like to feel I'm balanced on a nice flat plateau of stability, right now I'm en pointe on the top of a windy tor, but nonetheless - hoping I'm not jinxing myself - I'm relatively balanced.  I know I have a lot of 'stuff' going on in my head - some of it scares me, I'm not totally sure if I like the me that's in there, or even if I'm scared that I do like her but know I shouldn't.  But, I'm also rationalising, breathing, keeping it real - reflective. 

I will be.

Not I will be okay, I will be fine, whatever... just, I will be.  And that's ok.

In time, maybe the collection of the journey through pain I'm undergoing might be of use / help to someone facing a similar battle.  Even if not, it helps me to be able to get it out in my favourite format, written form.

She sleeps so much now.  It's sad, because I'd like to talk to her more, but to be honest, the things I'd want to talk about might not be things she'd want to talk about.  She's not really, totally there anyway, as I've explained before.  There's a fraction of my Mum in there somewhere, enough to usually say she loves me if I say I love her, enough that she has not, yet at least, wondered particularly who I am or felt uneasy as if I'm a stranger.  She's been very relaxed with most strangers actually, the constant stream of carers, doctors, nurses, Macmillan care...yes, she knows a lot of them through her work, but even so, many are unknown.

We haven't always had a perfect relationship - we've fought, we've bickered - but 99% of the time, Mum's been my friend as well as my Mum.  She supports me, even when the decisions I make might be ones you'd expect disapproval of.

The key thing she did was she told me that she didn't mind what I did in life, so long as I was happy.  I respect and appreciate that. 

I'm going to miss her incredibly, forever, and always.  But I have so much of her in my heart, in my spirit.  So I comfort myself in thinking that though I'll lose the chance to speak directly (well, I've already lost that) I know I have the sense of her in my soul. 

I'll try to talk about something else on here in the future.  But this is important stuff, to me.
 

'F**k it - the Ultimate Spiritual Way'...thoughts so far

I was given this book last week as a birthday present, but more, I think, as a nod to the hard time I am going through in my life right now.


What's most interesting, on a personal level, is that as I read, I realise that much of this is akin to my own personal philosophy / mantras / irreverent humour regarding religion.  It's just that I had forgotten much of it along the way, the last few years being the bitches they have been...so it's like returning to stuff and going, yeah, I know, I know...


I agree with much of the book.  Some things I do counter though.  Or find ironic.  My main thoughts:


p29: the section explaining how everyone comes to a crisis point in their lives, a crash, before they see the 'clear path'.  Well, fair enough.  And that leads some people on to write a spiritual / guidance tome.  Great.  So technically, having crashed myself back in 2009, am I qualified to write a book?
Actually, I probably am.  Probably was when I was 17, but didn't know it.  Still, perspective helps, in many things.


The diet section is not very convincing; I'm not into diets anyway, but there is much use of the words 'I bet if...' in this section.  Meaning J Parkin probably doesn't either.  Some of it makes sense, but it perhaps skates over some of the issues here.


Pages 84-85.  The concept of Jesus getting stoned, and the four gospels being prudes who re-write the tales and make the reduction to "Love one another as you love yourself' is hilariously good.  And the point about how it should be that you must love yourself first and then you can love everyone else, because otherwise you miss a vital point - that if you hate yourself you can't love others as yourself - is profoundly deep and ridiculously simple.


Pages 48-49, all the stuff about energy - I have a scientific mind at times and I get this.  It makes sense.  Energy.  Transformation.  All good stuff.


What also entertained me was that before I read any of the book, I did the thing where you let it naturally drop at a page and see what it brings up.  What it landed on was pretty relevant for how my brain is working at the moment.  Then when I properly read the book, it actually suggests doing this anyway, as the bit you get will 'be what you most need'.  Spooky?  The cynical, suspicious side of me thinks the friend who bought me the book, having read it themselves, 'doctored' the book to mess with my head... well, it's an amusing idea.  


More thoughts may follow when I've finished the book...