Contains some personal & sensitive themes - be warned.

Having baby thoughts on the brain at the moment, mainly due to recent Caesarian arrival of new nephew.  And now it's Mother's Day too...

Nephew arrived fine, pleased to say - bit jaundiced and a bit purple, but fine.
My own thoughts on having babies are compound fear and terror worthy of a Dario Argento movie.  But then, these come under one of my favourite subject headings, "things we do not like to talk about'.  And it sucks, frankly!  In modern day society people still hate to talk about miscarriage, stillbirth and the litany of things that can happen during pregnancy.  So how is one meant to overcome their fears?  It's taboo to talk about the child that never was...and from a family with a history of miscarriages and stillbirths I know how devastating it can be.  My fear is exacerbated because I have to wonder, does it run in the family or are other factors at play?  Because people don't tend to talk about it and there seems to be frighteningly little scientific knowledge about actual causes of miscarriage, I'm in the dark.
Suppose I need to talk to my Mum more about this.  But then it's hard to dig up the past.  From the things I do know about some of her experiences, stillbirth (back in the late 60's / early 70's) was shockingly dealt with.  I only know that somewhere my fourth brother is buried with an adult (this is what they did) and my mother was not even told where.  So as well as a nod to my ma on mother's day, here's a nod to Anthony.  Because one day I'd like to find where you are, for her.
This is a bit of a mixed up post.  But then that's how I feel about all things baby right now.

The year of constant upheaval

2011 was a strange year for me to say the least.  Having gotten married in Nov 2010, from Jan to March 2011 I was living on my own in Scarborough, several hundred miles away from my hubby who was still in Nottingham.  In that 3 months I inhabited two different homes, one rented with friends and one a lovely flat owned by my employers.  It was a top floor flat with sea views and jolly nice it was to live there over the summer.  Though I've never lived in flats before and never wish to again!  I like some space.  Finally in October me and the husband moved to a house, our third home in a year, but we're happy there.  Albeit that our neighbours are noisy c***s, but never mind.
Moving back to your home town after five years away might be viewed as a step backwards, but not to me.  Aside from missing the call of the sea, the countryside and castle, I was ready to be back amongst friends and family and couldn't pass up this job opportunity - probably the only job that would have brought me back, to be fair.  Lets' be honest, I'd kinda run away to some extent - this town had gotten way too small for me, and there were people I'd rather avoid, memories I'd prefer to leave buried. 
BUT...being back is going good.  I've even made NEW friends, which is a blessing, as I had half expected that old ones would fill my time.
Anyway, roll on summer - I fancy making some new memories with beach activity - it's been ages since one of my famed Summer Sports Days...

A writer without writing - my own worst critic

I have been an errant blogger - it's been a year since my last blog entry.
But apart from last year being one of the busiest and most uprooted / unsettled I've ever had (all in a good positive way) it was also the year that did actually kickstart my ass into writing again.

It's thanks mainly to a very cool bunch of people, who I had the most amazing luck to be in the right place at the right time with and spark off a catalyst of creativity.

Whilst I'm still my own worst critic when it comes to anything I do onstage or anything I write, I feel like a cork has been unpopped and I'm no longer a fraud.  I'm no longer calling myself a writer and not really writing.  I'm allowing myself to be seen and heard, scruitinised, whatever - but all in a very 'safe' environment with a group of likeminded folks whom I respect and adore.

They also let me give us all a stoopid name, that reflects our positivity and lack of taking ourselves seriously.  So here's to Bananadrama and to the flow of words on the page.

Feel like I've got my life back.  Of course, when the words flow, that's a whole other story...