Where It's At

I haven't yet been able to properly grieve for the fact that to all intents and purposes I've already lost my mum.  She's not the same lady I love so much, her body is a shell for a damaged brain.  I get glimpses of her now and then but in many ways that's even more heartbreaking.
The reason I'm not letting myself grieve for this yet is that I need to stay strong for her, to make sure that I make her as comfortable and as happy as possible for the all-too-brief time she has left.
There are other things I know are going to hit me over and over like a spring-loaded bullet train.  Any children I have will never meet her - they'll know of her, they'll know her through me and my siblings, especially I think through me and my baby bro - but they won't know her.  I won't have a mum there to support me with all the baby-pregnancy stuff.  It hurts me and it scares me shitless.
I won't have that person there who is proud of me, to cheer me on, to see me complete my degree studies or to see me acting, to see my plays performed or things I've directed; to share the moments when you just want your mum there.  My Dad's still around and God bless him, he is probably proud of me in his own way but doesn't know how to express it.
This isn't meant as a pity party.  It's just the stages I'm going through.  Grief that sticks in your throat like vomit when you aren't near a basin.  It ain't pretty.