I've been numb for weeks now. Hearing that your mother has a terminal brain tumour and only has weeks to live is a shock, unsurprisingly. You spend the first 24 hours or so screaming your tears, retching your guts out, passing out with the rawness of your heart. Then you finally cry yourself to sleep. You wake up, kick into high gear to make preparations for her to come home, so you don't have time to think anymore.
She comes home, and you are fine for a week or so. Then you realise just how tired you all are, how hard it is to have to look after someone you love so deeply but who can't go the bathroom themselves and sometimes forgets who you are. To see them in pain, to feel like they've become the child and you've become the parent.
You try to stay strong and calm because everyone else seems to not know what to do or is falling apart; you don't want to tell them that you don't know either and that you're falling apart in all sorts of little ways. Your every instinct is telling you to just run away and hide and not come back. You're angry and in pain and can understand why people turn to something - drugs, alcohol, religion - something, anything, strong enough to distract you from the pain. From their pain.
Shit shit shit shit shit.
This is real stuff. Maybe the occasional poem. For my fiction, go to What Kizzie Didn't / kizziefiction@blogger.com
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Contains some personal & sensitive themes - be warned.
Having baby thoughts on the brain at the moment, mainly due to recent Caesarian arrival of new nephew. And now it's Mother's Day too...
Nephew arrived fine, pleased to say - bit jaundiced and a bit purple, but fine.
My own thoughts on having babies are compound fear and terror worthy of a Dario Argento movie. But then, these come under one of my favourite subject headings, "things we do not like to talk about'. And it sucks, frankly! In modern day society people still hate to talk about miscarriage, stillbirth and the litany of things that can happen during pregnancy. So how is one meant to overcome their fears? It's taboo to talk about the child that never was...and from a family with a history of miscarriages and stillbirths I know how devastating it can be. My fear is exacerbated because I have to wonder, does it run in the family or are other factors at play? Because people don't tend to talk about it and there seems to be frighteningly little scientific knowledge about actual causes of miscarriage, I'm in the dark.
Suppose I need to talk to my Mum more about this. But then it's hard to dig up the past. From the things I do know about some of her experiences, stillbirth (back in the late 60's / early 70's) was shockingly dealt with. I only know that somewhere my fourth brother is buried with an adult (this is what they did) and my mother was not even told where. So as well as a nod to my ma on mother's day, here's a nod to Anthony. Because one day I'd like to find where you are, for her.
This is a bit of a mixed up post. But then that's how I feel about all things baby right now.
Nephew arrived fine, pleased to say - bit jaundiced and a bit purple, but fine.
My own thoughts on having babies are compound fear and terror worthy of a Dario Argento movie. But then, these come under one of my favourite subject headings, "things we do not like to talk about'. And it sucks, frankly! In modern day society people still hate to talk about miscarriage, stillbirth and the litany of things that can happen during pregnancy. So how is one meant to overcome their fears? It's taboo to talk about the child that never was...and from a family with a history of miscarriages and stillbirths I know how devastating it can be. My fear is exacerbated because I have to wonder, does it run in the family or are other factors at play? Because people don't tend to talk about it and there seems to be frighteningly little scientific knowledge about actual causes of miscarriage, I'm in the dark.
Suppose I need to talk to my Mum more about this. But then it's hard to dig up the past. From the things I do know about some of her experiences, stillbirth (back in the late 60's / early 70's) was shockingly dealt with. I only know that somewhere my fourth brother is buried with an adult (this is what they did) and my mother was not even told where. So as well as a nod to my ma on mother's day, here's a nod to Anthony. Because one day I'd like to find where you are, for her.
This is a bit of a mixed up post. But then that's how I feel about all things baby right now.
Monday, 12 March 2012
The year of constant upheaval
2011 was a strange year for me to say the least. Having gotten married in Nov 2010, from Jan to March 2011 I was living on my own in Scarborough, several hundred miles away from my hubby who was still in Nottingham. In that 3 months I inhabited two different homes, one rented with friends and one a lovely flat owned by my employers. It was a top floor flat with sea views and jolly nice it was to live there over the summer. Though I've never lived in flats before and never wish to again! I like some space. Finally in October me and the husband moved to a house, our third home in a year, but we're happy there. Albeit that our neighbours are noisy c***s, but never mind.
Moving back to your home town after five years away might be viewed as a step backwards, but not to me. Aside from missing the call of the sea, the countryside and castle, I was ready to be back amongst friends and family and couldn't pass up this job opportunity - probably the only job that would have brought me back, to be fair. Lets' be honest, I'd kinda run away to some extent - this town had gotten way too small for me, and there were people I'd rather avoid, memories I'd prefer to leave buried.
BUT...being back is going good. I've even made NEW friends, which is a blessing, as I had half expected that old ones would fill my time.
Anyway, roll on summer - I fancy making some new memories with beach activity - it's been ages since one of my famed Summer Sports Days...
Moving back to your home town after five years away might be viewed as a step backwards, but not to me. Aside from missing the call of the sea, the countryside and castle, I was ready to be back amongst friends and family and couldn't pass up this job opportunity - probably the only job that would have brought me back, to be fair. Lets' be honest, I'd kinda run away to some extent - this town had gotten way too small for me, and there were people I'd rather avoid, memories I'd prefer to leave buried.
BUT...being back is going good. I've even made NEW friends, which is a blessing, as I had half expected that old ones would fill my time.
Anyway, roll on summer - I fancy making some new memories with beach activity - it's been ages since one of my famed Summer Sports Days...
A writer without writing - my own worst critic
I have been an errant blogger - it's been a year since my last blog entry.
But apart from last year being one of the busiest and most uprooted / unsettled I've ever had (all in a good positive way) it was also the year that did actually kickstart my ass into writing again.
It's thanks mainly to a very cool bunch of people, who I had the most amazing luck to be in the right place at the right time with and spark off a catalyst of creativity.
Whilst I'm still my own worst critic when it comes to anything I do onstage or anything I write, I feel like a cork has been unpopped and I'm no longer a fraud. I'm no longer calling myself a writer and not really writing. I'm allowing myself to be seen and heard, scruitinised, whatever - but all in a very 'safe' environment with a group of likeminded folks whom I respect and adore.
They also let me give us all a stoopid name, that reflects our positivity and lack of taking ourselves seriously. So here's to Bananadrama and to the flow of words on the page.
Feel like I've got my life back. Of course, when the words flow, that's a whole other story...
But apart from last year being one of the busiest and most uprooted / unsettled I've ever had (all in a good positive way) it was also the year that did actually kickstart my ass into writing again.
It's thanks mainly to a very cool bunch of people, who I had the most amazing luck to be in the right place at the right time with and spark off a catalyst of creativity.
Whilst I'm still my own worst critic when it comes to anything I do onstage or anything I write, I feel like a cork has been unpopped and I'm no longer a fraud. I'm no longer calling myself a writer and not really writing. I'm allowing myself to be seen and heard, scruitinised, whatever - but all in a very 'safe' environment with a group of likeminded folks whom I respect and adore.
They also let me give us all a stoopid name, that reflects our positivity and lack of taking ourselves seriously. So here's to Bananadrama and to the flow of words on the page.
Feel like I've got my life back. Of course, when the words flow, that's a whole other story...
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Crazy Weekend, Friends and Multipliicty
Having been in the lakes this weekend, fro my Hag Weekend, I'm still feeling fragile.
Partly because I was hideously drunkenly sick on Saturday night. Burn!
But I had a fantastic time. I love my friends. I love how with them, I'm kinda the confident, saucy one. Yet with other people, I'm the shy, innocent (they think), straightlaced - hell, even uptight - one.
How little they now.
But it got me thinking about the different faces one presents to the world... and how worried I sorta was at getting this random mix of people together, knowing that I normally probably do present 'different sides' (albeit all genuine, just different) sides of my personality to them. How would I react when they were all there? Would I be like a prism, refracting multiple personalities in different directions? Or introvert - unable to compute?
In the end, I was just a bit of everything... competitive, funny, flirty, sharp, drunk, caring, bossy, willing to embarass myself for kicks, tomboyish, girlie... it all balanced out quite wonderfully.
Well, apart form the drunken bit...but at least my friends are lovely enough to look after me and not judge me.
That is, as well as their other esteemed qualities, one of the reasons they are my friends.
Partly because I was hideously drunkenly sick on Saturday night. Burn!
But I had a fantastic time. I love my friends. I love how with them, I'm kinda the confident, saucy one. Yet with other people, I'm the shy, innocent (they think), straightlaced - hell, even uptight - one.
How little they now.
But it got me thinking about the different faces one presents to the world... and how worried I sorta was at getting this random mix of people together, knowing that I normally probably do present 'different sides' (albeit all genuine, just different) sides of my personality to them. How would I react when they were all there? Would I be like a prism, refracting multiple personalities in different directions? Or introvert - unable to compute?
In the end, I was just a bit of everything... competitive, funny, flirty, sharp, drunk, caring, bossy, willing to embarass myself for kicks, tomboyish, girlie... it all balanced out quite wonderfully.
Well, apart form the drunken bit...but at least my friends are lovely enough to look after me and not judge me.
That is, as well as their other esteemed qualities, one of the reasons they are my friends.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
The Wedding Plans #1
Had a visit from S this weekend. It was a S&TC film fest, which we call a 'habit' even though it's only been two films, but believe me, when they inevitably make a third, we'll be donning our highest heels, drinking cocktails and getting our girly mojo to the cinema.
It got my wedding plans all fired up again anyway, as I'd lost my way and motivation a little this past month or so, and having someone new available to discuss it with meant we could bounce ideas off each other all weekend (S is married, but did so abroad, and being of Chinese heritage, once back home she had a traditional Chinese banquet as opposed to the traditional English wedding. This is good, as many of the event ideas are still useful, and some of them even have a 'new' spin for the Trad crowd).
She has a bit of a gun obsession though... glue gun. Icing gun. Any craft-inspired gun you like.
So she's offered to make my cupcakes for the wedding - bonus! - which is where the icing gun comes in. She doesn't think she can do it quickly enough with her icing bag, and she is thinking about launching this as a business, so hell, it's a reasonable investment.
As far as glue guns so, we were thinking about some of the 'making' I'm doing for table decor and arrangements and things.
God forbid we get the two guns mixed up... though it might shut one or two of the 'less welcome' guests up.
More about them later...
It got my wedding plans all fired up again anyway, as I'd lost my way and motivation a little this past month or so, and having someone new available to discuss it with meant we could bounce ideas off each other all weekend (S is married, but did so abroad, and being of Chinese heritage, once back home she had a traditional Chinese banquet as opposed to the traditional English wedding. This is good, as many of the event ideas are still useful, and some of them even have a 'new' spin for the Trad crowd).
She has a bit of a gun obsession though... glue gun. Icing gun. Any craft-inspired gun you like.
So she's offered to make my cupcakes for the wedding - bonus! - which is where the icing gun comes in. She doesn't think she can do it quickly enough with her icing bag, and she is thinking about launching this as a business, so hell, it's a reasonable investment.
As far as glue guns so, we were thinking about some of the 'making' I'm doing for table decor and arrangements and things.
God forbid we get the two guns mixed up... though it might shut one or two of the 'less welcome' guests up.
More about them later...
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